Body Blaming

There really isn't a way to describe fully what happens to your heart and spirit when you experience a miscarriage. What is universally understandable, yet torture on your loved ones is that you will emphatically blame your body for this tragedy. Of course it’s your body’s fault; after all it’s your body that now is letting this baby go. If you could stop it you would, but your body betrays you. You hold on to your tummy, you curl up into a fetal position and you clinch every muscle possible in a desperate attempt to keep your child within, safe and sound, all the while saying desperate prayers for help. Your body lets you down of course, and it’s in that moment that you know your body will carry this blame. You lie there going over everything you did and ate over the last several months trying to see if you did something that triggered this, and when you find nothing, again your body takes the blame.

My body has taken on this bashing three times now, and only yesterday did it finally get the apology it deserved. This was my first “captured” miscarriage, meaning this is the first time “tissue” was recovered for testing. We will not find out the results of this genetic testing till the end of this month, but what we were able to test for in the meantime and rule out, is that my body is not to blame. So very long and overly medical story later… I did not have any infections that may have contributed to the loss, my antibodies were not attacking the fetus, my thyroid is functioning perfectly, etc. In short, my body is off the hook.

So, with the apologies made to my body, I will now begin to take advantage of two months of non-pregnant behavior. I will color the grays, I will eat sushi and drink sake (and wine), I will enjoy a stinky cheese, feta or brie, I will resume my pre-baby workout, I will enjoy super hot baths and the extra time that comes with nap free afternoons. I will save all the nursery plans I had made and I will shelve my library of books for now, I will lick my wounds, heal my body, learn all I can and trust in my Doctor’s proactive plan and I will believe that here soon I will again be with child.

Today; today I stop my body blaming!