"De Nial"

Three weeks ago yesterday, I lost my baby.

I am starting to begin to feel normal again, but there are moments, and there are immense waves of weakness. It has been three weeks and we still have no results back on the genetic testing. Its like some horrible tease; you start your life back up, you get back into a routine, you allow yourself to breathe and laugh and live again, only to be hit with the reality that you have no idea why you lost your child; and then, that is when the questions begin to flood in…

I tell myself that we lost the first two because my hormones were off due to the ovarian cyst, and that this one is just horrible luck and strictly a chromosomal abnormality… that there is still hope.

I am a preparer though, always have been, and as such research things to death so that I am prepared for either the best case or the worst case scenario; but now, now I am trying to live more in the present, to not Google all the possible reasons I have had three miscarriages and what the genetic tests could offer and what those various results will mean as far as options going forward. I am trying to quash the questions in my head when they arise and put faith in small miracles.

They say the view is lovely on “De Nial;” Maybe that is what I need, a summer home on De Nial!

I won’t worry about our results and/or our options; whether or not I can carry a child; whether or not I will experience the joys of my body changing and growing as my little one develops daily; whether or not I will get to feel that first kick or the soccer game he or she will play with my bladder; I will not think about all I might loose…

De Nial; Yep, De Nial sounds lovely!