My Hardest Year

As I sit here now working on my third draft of this post, I realize now more than ever that I am a writer. Now when I say writer I mean the good ol’ pen to paper kinda gal. I use to keep long hand journals, write poetry, jot down lines of a story that would start in my mind on anything I could grab a hold of like my day planner pages (remember those?), back of a receipt, envelopes, anything really. I had a junior pad in my purse at all times and a legal pad at the ready in my office, but now, now my calendar is on my cell and set with all the many reminders I need, my journal is on my tablet and my organization and ramblings are on this laptop, making it all too easy to select all and delete, as I have done with each draft of this latest entry.

Writing in pen, processing things out in pen meant you poured everything out onto the page, there was no erasing or deleting, if you hated it you either scribbled over it or you got the wonderful satisfaction of ripping the page out, crumpling it up and throwing it away. The pages you kept were living testimonies to your state of mind during the processing, they could be spotted with the tears that dripped off of your checks as you wrote out all your pain and heartache, they could be littered with smudges of that amazing chocolate cake or tinted with that other glass of wine you poured yourself when you thought everything coming out of you at that point was brilliant, either way there is all the evidence of what you were going through in that moment, like your own private little time capsule.

Now do not get me wrong, amazing things have been poured out on type writers and now computers. Amazing poetry and novels, touching blogs, riveting journalism, etc, I just suddenly came to the realization that I personally may have needed the good ol’ pen and paper for this year. But I too relied on this wonderful new format and I too am processing on the blank white page of a word document, and when I look back at this entry I probably will remember what I was trying to convey, what I was processing, but I must admit, I do wonder what that legal pad may have looked like.

So… long, long story short, this has been the toughest year of my life. I am not sure how I will truly process it, I think in June I tried to start writing with the hopes that would help, not realizing how bottled-up I had become in an attempt to survive. Now though, now my mind is waking, I fall asleep with words and sentences forming, I look forward to hitting the keys and seeing what comes out of it… so we will see together I guess, what this new found energy may bring, but to get you all caught up, here is a snap-shot/highlight points of the year.

• January 29^th - Mitch and I are PREGNANT!!!
• Valentines - We celebrate in the snow and on the shore of Lake Tahoe (where we were married)
• February 24^th - At a little over 7 weeks we loose the baby (I take 3 days off work)
• March & April - Hiding the numbness
• June 1^st - Mitch and I are PREGNANT!!! This time I decide not to wait to tell and celebrate, I also start building a nursery (found an amazing Jenny Lynd crib and changing table set on craigslist, my Mom refinished a beautiful rocking chair and my boss and his wife give us a pack and play)
• July 3^rd - We loose the baby (back to work by the 5^th)
• August - Mitch and I plan a two week vacation for an anniversary of ours in November
• September -  Maui Vacation is booked and paid for – let the diet and bikini workouts begin!
• October 9^th - I wake feeling ill and off and realize I am late. Take a test… I am PREGNANT! By the time I am done getting ready for work I am spotting and on the phone with my doctor, 5 hours later we have lost the pregnancy (Mitch and I both take a week off, we turn off the house phone and set our cells to silent. Mitch helps me piece myself back together)
• Oct. 23^rd – 30^th – Let the testing begin!!
• November 1^st - After three ultra-sounds, an MRI, countless blood-tests and a meeting with a specialist, we learn that my right ovary is twice the size it should be and there is a mass within it, and we cannot decipher what it is. The doctor thinks I may have endomitrioma (sp) but will not know for sure until he can examine it. The operation is scheduled for the 30^th.
• November 2^nd - I give notice to my job. Mitch and I decide I have enough stress and that we no longer need that income. We decide to prioritize my getting well and us expanding our family
• November 8^th - Last day of work at an office I gave 11 years to. Two boxes of my office knick-knacks, photos, plants, etc. and a cake/party send off later, I am officially un-employed. Now a stay-at-home wife, step-mom and partner in our business
• November 9^th - We fly away to Maui and return just in time for the Thanksgiving family time and feast
• November 26^th - Pre-operation meeting with the doctor at 1:30pm (PST)

Well, I think that about covers the timeline of this year right up to today.

It is no wonder I have been unable to write!

Here is to finding out what is going on with my right ovary and hoping it is a simple fix, and here is to my new life, my new journey, and my renewed writing.

Keep you guys posted ;o)